Hi Moby, as the mother of an 18-year-old son who is currently deployed in support of operation Iraqi Freedom, I know first hand how hard it is on the mothers and the other family members of a deployed military service member. The emotions you deal with on a daily basis and the constant overwhelming fear for the safety and well being of your child, while on the outside, you struggle to appear normal, on the inside you feel everything but normal. Being a soldier’s mom for me is many things. It’s a privilege, a sense of pride and honor. It’s my heart taking the chance to be crushed. It’s my fears that sometimes bring me to my knees. It’s the unknown that haunts me in my sleep.
It’s my soul that is saddened every time I hear of casualties. It’s the air I can’t sometimes breath, hoping it’s not me whose door the dress greens come knocking on. It’s the heartache for other mothers who have lost their children. It’s also my road back to my faith… Allen was born 8 days after the end of the Gulf War. Never in my wildest dreams did I dream that 18 years later, my son would head off to fight in a war. Nothing ever really prepares you for the rollercoaster ride of being a soldiers mom.
The morning he left, as I picked up his backpack to help him pack those last minute things, I had a flashback to the time I was packing his stuff in his backpack for his first day of school and how protective my daughter was of him and how bad my youngest son wanted to go with him.
On May 5th he was deployed to Iraq, and it has been a long 6 weeks that we didn’t hear anything at all from him. Every possible scenario has run through my mind… In April, my family and I were fortunate enough to go out to spend time with him before he deployed. I didn’t know if there would be a badge of bravery for me this time around when it was time to say our goodbyes, and there wasn’t, for any of us, the tears came, unhidden, no brave fronts. It’s hard hugging your child goodbye before they are sent off to war, not knowing if there will be anymore daily phone calls text messages or emails, not knowing if you will ever get to hug them again or even see your child alive again. More often, at the times you feel like you are going crazy. It’s a sick feeling when a strange vehicle pulls up in the driveway, praying that it’s not the Army coming to deliver unspeakable news. It’s the tears you shed in the grocery store buying his favorite snacks to send in a care package, the strange looks you get at the post office shipping that care package with tears rolling down your cheeks and kissing the package before you turn it over to be shipped, another military mom can easily be picked out in these situations, she’s the only one in the crowd that looks at you with an understanding smile, because she knows… It’s counting down the days until he is safely back on U.S. soil again, giving yourself pep talks just talking yourself into getting through another day, most of all, it’s the sleepless nights, and constantly wondering if he’s ok…